Unravelling

I am struggling to find motivation to do anything other than sit on the couch in a blanket and glue my eyes to the television to numb a mind that is in a billion different places but no where in particular. 

Just one week ago I was full of energy and focus, ready to take on the world. I woke up Friday morning and was overcome with "the blahs." The familiar feeling of my energy source being drained and zapped. What is it from? I wish I knew exactly. It could be seasonal, it could be R.A. related, it could be med related. The reasons are endless. The struggle to be productive is not where i like to live. 

When I wake in the morning I am full of energy and drive, by the time I have three quarters of my coffee consumed I am losing all ambition. I feel like doing nothing. Seriously, nothing. I could stare at a blank wall for hours and feel no need to accomplish a thing. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: 

 My eating habits have been shitty for the last four weeks. 

For months now I was focused on weight loss, on healthy living. I eliminated the majority of carbs, reduced sugar, and increased fresh vegetables and fruit. I was determined to lose weight and feel better. It worked. I dropped 30 pounds in roughly 8 months. Not a substantial amount over that span of time, for me however it was huge. I was adamant about not eating after 7 pm, I drank plenty of water and avoided everything artificial. Frankly I felt the best I had EVER felt and between meds and diet I was comfortably in remission.

I am sure I am still in remission, but I fear that my slipping back in to old habits is causing the zap of my life force.

Each night I say, "Tomorrow I WILL start fresh. It is a new day." I wake up feeling motivated, full of hope and as the day ticks by my resolve slips away. I approach the "snack cupboard" where some of my favourite offenders dwell. Potato chips, cookies, gummy treats, popcorn...it begins a cascade of bad choices. I feel so ashamed writing that. I KNOW better and I fully understand what those foods do to my body. I can not blame ignorance. 

 There are moments in time I feel the need to cleanse, then the cravings take over and I lose my will. So many "tomorrows" are passing.

I have walked this road before. I get to a certain point on the scale and I tell myself the same story, "this is where you derail" and as I predict it starts to happen. Again, I know what I have done. I have set the subliminal message of failure. The question is WHY?

R.A. and I have gone toe to toe and eye to eye many times I have never let it win. I crumble when faced with cravings though. Why? It is time for me to search my soul, to find the clues in the patterns and to pull the failure out of my future.

One foot in front of the other, I will rise. It is time to unravel the mysteries of my weakness...